18# Queer Love

The Price of Loving More Than One

Even in the Ottoman Empire, polygamy existed as a form of consensual relationship in which the sultan maintained physical and emotional bonds with at least two women.

In Muslim countries, some men proudly boast that Allah allows them to marry four women. Yet most of these men cannot even make their own wives happy and satisfied. The fundamental rule of polygamy is that all wives must be treated equally. If one wife receives a diamond bracelet, the other must receive the same. And this “fair distribution” extends to every aspect of life. It takes a toll on a man's sexual stamina and his finances.

In many cultures, choosing a wife is not always the man's own decision; he simply accepts whoever is recommended to him. Then he falls in love with another woman and begins living in two parallel worlds. Over time, however, his love for his first wife grows. And so, what began as infidelity turns into polyamory. The mistress, of course, knows about the arrangement from the very beginning and accepts it, willingly or reluctantly. The wife, in most cases, knows nothing about her husband's affair, and even if she does, it is silently tolerated. As long as the man comes home in the evening.

This Kind of Relationship Is Not an Abstract Form of Love

Polyamory is not a modern phenomenon; it has historical roots. Even the Bible mentions Lamech, who had two wives (Genesis 4:19). Prominent figures such as Abraham, David, King Solomon, Simone de Beauvoir, Virginia Woolf, Bertolt Brecht, and Anaïs Nin also engaged in various forms of non-monogamous relationships. Today, however, some people who deviate from heterosexual norms use the term “queer,” which is sometimes perceived negatively.

In reality, polyamory is a tragedy for all those who find themselves in the position of a lover. To love someone who already belongs to someone else and to have to share them …

In polyamory, however, you are no longer “number two.” Instead, you are regarded as an equal partner in a relationship where everyone is connected through an open and consensual dynamic. Each partner has their own place, without one relationship being considered less important or less worthy of recognition than another. It is about sharing love and affection without hierarchies or possessiveness.

Or, to put it differently: Having tamed their jealousy, the lovers surrender and accept the situation as it is. What else are they supposed to do when it is, after all, true love?

To forgive your partner everything, to accept that they love another person and are unwilling or unable to leave them, requires an almost self-sacrificing degree of optimism. People who embrace such a way of life possess an unwavering belief in true love and in a (monogamous) happy ending.

This Relationship Dynamic Refuses to Conform to Social Norms

Polyamory means being open and honestly telling your partner that other relationships exist. It differs from polygamy and swinging because it is not merely a physical experience but rather an equal, consensual, non-monogamous relationship involving multiple partners. As long as the feelings are genuine, it is true love. People who engage in such relationships do not necessarily see themselves as deviating from the norm. They are simply living their own honest form of love and trust.

Polyamory and the LGBTIQQAA community share values such as acceptance, respect, and the promotion of human rights. Polyamorous relationships can be just as diverse and legitimate as any other form of love or partnership. These communities advocate for tolerance, equality, and the right to freely express one's identity and preferred relationship structure.

Anastasia Weimer