2# Parenting, Not Obedience

Consistent Love Instead of Commands: The Key to Good Parenting

Does this sound familiar? You hear a parent speaking harshly to their child from a distance, and the closer you get to the family, the friendlier the voice becomes. A “Stop whining already!” suddenly turns into a loving “Yes, sweetheart, we're almost there.”

I have never taken this kind of parental street theatre seriously. This effort to present oneself in the best possible light as soon as a stranger comes within earshot seems unconvincing.

Parents should always treat their children with love, even in challenging moments. After all, a firm instruction can always be expressed politely.

Do Parents Often Distance Themselves from Their Own Children When It Comes to Politeness and Love?

I think that the stress of everyday life often makes us forget the most precious moments with our children. Well-intentioned reminders quickly turn into commands, a loving wink becomes an annoyed rolling of the eyes, and none of this is without consequences. Dismissive gestures and a harsh tone of voice can negatively affect children and shape how they perceive their surroundings and other people.

One might think that adults should have better control over their stress. After all, they are old enough and have been living on this earth long enough to recognise their own emotions and take responsibility for their behaviour. Yet this is precisely where the great challenge lies: parenthood means stress, responsibility and sometimes the daily struggle with small and large catastrophes. Nevertheless, stress must not become the standard by which we treat our children.

Raising children means much more than teaching a child to eat with a knife and fork, to say “please” and “thank you”, or to obey a command. Education begins where blind obedience ends. It means teaching a child empathy and showing them how important it is to acknowledge other people, their feelings, their boundaries, their fears and their joy.

It does not matter which country a person comes from, how tall or short they are, what they look like or how differently they live. Every person deserves respect and appreciation. Because people are not figures that function on command. They have their own thoughts, feelings, needs and, above all, their own will.

That is exactly what a child should learn: not only how to find their way in the world, but also how to treat other people in that world. Because true education is not reflected in how well a child obeys, but in how respectfully, empathetically and responsibly they treat others.

I seriously wonder how a child who has meat on their plate but no knife would behave. I mean, that child would surely fail miserably at cutting up the piece of meat with just a fork. With an authoritarian upbringing, the child would not even think of cutting the meat with a fork without a knife. After all, that requires far too much dexterity, as I must admit.

Fair – Playful – Loving

This Is What Parenting Should Look Like

I developed the following ten rules of parenting after repeatedly hearing a mother shouting loudly as she woke her child every morning, while the little girl resisted in tears. The situation made me think, because I was concerned that such aggressive behaviour could harm not only the child but also those around her.

For me, this made it even clearer how important love, patience and understanding are in raising children. Of course, everyday life with children is not always easy and brings many challenges. Nevertheless, especially in difficult moments, we should try to remain calm and loving. Because children need not only rules and boundaries, but above all the feeling of being accepted, understood and loved, regardless of how exhausting the situation may be.

The 10 Rules of Parenting

1. Try to understand and find out why the child behaves and acts in a certain way.

2. Give the child affection and attention.

3. Greet the child with joy and enthusiasm.

4. Strengthen the child's self-esteem through recognition and support.

5. Talk about your own mistakes before criticising the child.

6. Make sure to treat the child with respect and appreciation in front of other people.

7. Create an atmosphere of understanding, kindness and compassion.

8. Admit when you yourself are wrong.

9. Ask about the child's wishes and needs instead of simply making demands.

10. Emphasise common goals that both of you want to achieve and develop a clear vision for the future.

    
    

These are personal parenting rules that do not have to be binding for everyone. But by and large, these rules provide a framework within which one can move freely. Everyone can establish their own individual rules, and in the beginning, it will certainly not always be easy to apply them consistently. But if you approach things with a positive attitude and an open heart, you will succeed!

Do not teach your child manners taken from an etiquette handbook, but an attitude that comes from the heart – shaped by warmth, respect, compassion and sincere love. Because children do not learn the most beautiful values through rules.

Anastasia Weimer